Ten years ago, this very weekend, my life changed. My family changed. And it has never been the same since. If you've known me or my family for a few years, I'm sure you know at least a little about this story. If you don't, I just want to be an encouragement. I don't say any of this to bring up old baggage or shame. I simply want to share how incredible our God is. Buckle up, friend! This is a big one.
I was a 14 year old freshman in high school. We had only lived in this town for a little over a year. Things were still so new and fresh and awkward. It's the Friday of Labor Day weekend. Every student dreams of three day weekends, so of course I was pumped. I'm walking out of the school and not one, but both of my parents were in the car to pick me up. This was red flag number one. Except at the time it felt more yellow haha. I was confused, but whatever! Once Peyton and I were both home, we were our usual silly, giggly selves. All it took was one little look at my parents and I knew something was terribly wrong. I thought somebody died. I was waiting for the bomb to drop. And that bomb?? Was something that I never ever in a million years would have guessed that I would be told.
My mom asked us to listen to her and to get serious. She simply explained that my dad, a pastor, my ultimate hero, had been unfaithful to her. He had multiple affairs over the years. Well how on earth are a 14 year old and 10 year old supposed to process this? We both broke down in tears. The rush of emotions I felt was absolutely unexplainable. My chest felt heavy and I couldn't breathe. Those emotions ran so high so fast that in a matter of minutes I just felt numb. Like literally nothing. We were told to go pack a bag because we were going to stay with my grandparents for the long weekend. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stepped up. I had to help my heartbroken little sister figure out what she would need for the weekend. The weekend that ended up being terribly slow. Endless tears and whispers behind closed doors. Texts flooding my phone on Sunday after the church, my friends, found out what had happened. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was our family going to fall apart? Were we going to move again? What's next?!
What came next were years of restoration. Years of work and transformation. My family didn't fully fall apart. We all had our own emotions to deal with. We all had our own personal journeys to travel. Mine turned into pretending everything was okay so I could be the backbone for my sister and mom. I realize now that I was not the backbone I thought I was being. I was breaking myself more. I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't always eat enough. I didn't feel. I just... was there. When I did feel, I felt anxious. I felt bitterness. I felt like I didn't want to be around my dad. I didn't understand why on earth my mother would stay with him. Why did someone who lied for so long deserve a second chance?
Through many ups & downs, conversations that I didn't want to have, and some serious talking to Jesus, I made the decision to forgive; but not just forgive my dad for what he did. I forgave him for the years I lost with him, for the lies and the years of deception. I also forgave myself for holding onto bitterness and anger for far too long. It wasn't easy, but it was more than worth it.
My mother is the ultimate picture of grace. I am forever grateful she listened to the Lord and made the hard choice to fight for her marriage. I know she didn't always want to, but because of her, we are still a family. Not a broken family, but a family who laughs together, cries together, takes vacations together, rejoices together, and worships together.
Holding onto bitterness, anger, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, and unforgiveness will not make you stronger. It doesn't make you cooler or a better person. It doesn't hurt other people. Only you. It will eat you alive. You will shrink down into a person you don't even recognize anymore. It's not worth it. Give it up, friend. Tell Jesus how you're feeling. He already knows and He wants to take that from you. He wants to carry it for you.
Difficult situations are never easy to navigate. The lessons you learn along the way make it worth it. The story you get to tell at the end is worth it. I don't know what you are walking through today, my friend. But I am here to tell you that you will make it through. Maybe it looks impossible. Maybe you're hurting. You might want to give up, but God is refining you. He is making you stronger. He wants you to lean on Him and draw closer to Him. I didn't think I would ever make it out of the darkness of this situation. Here I am, ten years later, closer to my dad than I ever was before. Part of a family that is incredibly close. I'm a better me because I learned what true forgiveness is.
And guess what?! My dad is pastoring again. Has been for several years. He has seen true redemption through his story. My parents get to speak at marriage conferences and at churches. They help guide couples who are going through similar situations. I am so very proud of them. God turned a total mess into a miracle.
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