A Family Forever Changed

 Ten years ago, this very weekend, my life changed. My family changed. And it has never been the same since. If you've known me or my family for a few years, I'm sure you know at least a little about this story. If you don't, I just want to be an encouragement. I don't say any of this to bring up old baggage or shame. I simply want to share how incredible our God is. Buckle up, friend! This is a big one.

I was a 14 year old freshman in high school. We had only lived in this town for a little over a year. Things were still so new and fresh and awkward. It's the Friday of Labor Day weekend. Every student dreams of three day weekends, so of course I was pumped. I'm walking out of the school and not one, but both of my parents were in the car to pick me up. This was red flag number one. Except at the time it felt more yellow haha. I was confused, but whatever! Once Peyton and I were both home, we were our usual silly, giggly selves. All it took was one little look at my parents and I knew something was terribly wrong. I thought somebody died. I was waiting for the bomb to drop. And that bomb?? Was something that I never ever in a million years would have guessed that I would be told. 

My mom asked us to listen to her and to get serious. She simply explained that my dad, a pastor, my ultimate hero, had been unfaithful to her. He had multiple affairs over the years. Well how on earth are a 14 year old and 10 year old supposed to process this? We both broke down in tears. The rush of emotions I felt was absolutely unexplainable. My chest felt heavy and I couldn't breathe. Those emotions ran so high so fast that in a matter of minutes I just felt numb. Like literally nothing. We were told to go pack a bag because we were going to stay with my grandparents for the long weekend. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stepped up. I had to help my heartbroken little sister figure out what she would need for the weekend. The weekend that ended up being terribly slow. Endless tears and whispers behind closed doors. Texts flooding my phone on Sunday after the church, my friends, found out what had happened. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was our family going to fall apart? Were we going to move again? What's next?! 

What came next were years of restoration. Years of work and transformation. My family didn't fully fall apart. We all had our own emotions to deal with. We all had our own personal journeys to travel. Mine turned into pretending everything was okay so I could be the backbone for my sister and mom. I realize now that I was not the backbone I thought I was being. I was breaking myself more. I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't always eat enough. I didn't feel. I just... was there. When I did feel, I felt anxious. I felt bitterness. I felt like I didn't want to be around my dad. I didn't understand why on earth my mother would stay with him. Why did someone who lied for so long deserve a second chance? 

Through many ups & downs, conversations that I didn't want to have, and some serious talking to Jesus, I made the decision to forgive; but not just forgive my dad for what he did. I forgave him for the years I lost with him, for the lies and the years of deception. I also forgave myself for holding onto bitterness and anger for far too long. It wasn't easy, but it was more than worth it.

My mother is the ultimate picture of grace. I am forever grateful she listened to the Lord and made the hard choice to fight for her marriage. I know she didn't always want to, but because of her, we are still a family. Not a broken family, but a family who laughs together, cries together, takes vacations together, rejoices together, and worships together. 

Holding onto bitterness, anger, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, and unforgiveness will not make you stronger. It doesn't make you cooler or a better person. It doesn't hurt other people. Only you. It will eat you alive. You will shrink down into a person you don't even recognize anymore. It's not worth it. Give it up, friend. Tell Jesus how you're feeling. He already knows and He wants to take that from you. He wants to carry it for you. 

Difficult situations are never easy to navigate. The lessons you learn along the way make it worth it. The story you get to tell at the end is worth it. I don't know what you are walking through today, my friend. But I am here to tell you that you will make it through. Maybe it looks impossible. Maybe you're hurting. You might want to give up, but God is refining you. He is making you stronger. He wants you to lean on Him and draw closer to Him. I didn't think I would ever make it out of the darkness of this situation. Here I am, ten years later, closer to my dad than I ever was before. Part of a family that is incredibly close. I'm a better me because I learned what true forgiveness is. 

And guess what?! My dad is pastoring again. Has been for several years. He has seen true redemption through his story. My parents get to speak at marriage conferences and at churches. They help guide couples who are going through similar situations. I am so very proud of them. God turned a total mess into a miracle. 

Confessions of a Preacher's Kid

     Hey, friend! My name is Peri and I'm a preacher's kid. I have been all my life. Now, maybe you're thinking, "this is irrelevant to me! I'm not a preacher's kid," but this is for all of the PK's, MK's, pastors, church goers, and Jesus followers alike.
     I grew up in the church. Literally, it felt like I was always there. My grandparents are pastors too! So when I was little, I was at their church all the time. I have such fond memories there. And our family still holds dear friendships with those people. My dad has been a music pastor at several churches. But he's worn so many more hats than just "the guy who leads worship". He's actually been in ministry for over 30 years! Crazy, I know. 

    Being in ministry with your parents is not easy. Like, at all. You see so many different sides of ministry that most people don't. The good, the bad, the miraculous, and the ugly. I've had to move a couple times, and that sure is not easy. Leaving your friends and family because your parents said, "God is calling us here," as a kid, didn't always make sense. However, my parents instilled in me from a very young age that God will take care of us. They always said that following God's call on their lives was such a big blessing. It may seem like a risk to drop everything because God said so, but it always worked out for the absolute best. I truly believe our family is better because we have followed God's call and His will for our lives.

    With that being said, I've seen how several different churches and their staff operate. I've watched different leaders and pastors lead their church gracefully, and I've also been incredibly disappointed in how some "leaders" handled certain situations. No one is perfect. Pastors are definitely not the exception. It's so easy to put pastors on a pedestal and to hold them to such a high standard that we don't think they can fail. There's definitely a balance to being a leader and leading by example, but we have to understand that pastors are imperfect humans too. That's a totally different topic altogether! Bottom line, even though they are human, leaders have to hold their standards high, operate with extreme integrity, and lead by example. 

    I'm proud to say my parents have done just that. They have been incredible leaders, people of character, amazing examples, and never seem to fall back on that. They have been mistreated (just like the rest of us), and have never used that as an excuse to lash out or to mistreat those who turned against them. They don't try to get revenge or make sure people know their side of the story. They hold their heads high and keep trekking along on the path that God has set before them. No matter the situation, they come out stronger with a pretty great story to tell. They lead by example, admit their faults, always strive to do better, they serve the people around them, all while being great parents. 

    I also have seen how different churches behave, and let me tell you. It isn't always pretty. I've always found that so sad and disheartening. The church, Christ followers, Christians, are called to be different. We are set apart! Yet sometimes, church people get wrapped up in drama, become petty, act ugly, and can be unforgiving people! That goes for leaders and church members alike! Yes, I know, we're human and make mistakes. But when church people start acting crazy like that? I have never understood that.

    As the preacher's kid, I've been made fun of, called "goody two-shoes" on a regular basis, been left out of all the "normal" activities, and that was never easy growing up. I've become an adult who is more than okay with being left out because of my standards and morals. Sure, would it hurt to be invited to more things? No, not at all! But I also know that God has called me higher and I'm more than okay walking alone sometimes. I'm proud of who my parents have raised me to be, and being the goody two-shoes is pretty great to me. :)

    Now, a lot of that probably sounded pretty negative, so it's time to flip the switch. Being a preacher's kid comes with a lot of joys. It's so easy to be proud of your parents when they are truly walking in the will of God. I get to watch them do what God has called them to do, and I get to see the impact they have on people around them every single day. They inspire so many people, and that's not just in the church. They get to share their story and testimony and encourage others in their journeys. I've watched them grow their ministry into something new and exciting over the years, and I know it's only going to keep growing.

    I've been blessed with so many opportunities because of my parent's ministry. I've been able to travel with them to all sorts of cool places. I've met countless people, and some of those people have become life long friends and our second family. I was pretty spoiled as a kid because I got to run around campgrounds and churches. I thought I owned the place alllll because my dad was Jeff Hickman lol. I have had the pleasure of singing alongside my parents on many occasions. I absolutely love leading worship with them. If you know my dad, you know that he is truly one of the greatest musicians of all time (and no, I'm not biased). Getting to stand up next to them and worship with them is something I will cherish forever. 

    To my fellow preacher's kids: I see you. I know it's not always easy, but I'm proud of you. Your parents are proud of you. Jesus is proud of you! I know you didn't choose to be in ministry, and if you're like me, you were born into it. You don't know anything different! Keep finding the joys in ministry. Don't let the hard things weigh you down for too long. You've got this. Don't give up, friend. :)

    At the end of the day, all of the cool things, people, and opportunities don't even compare to the absolute joy it has been to be Jeff and Ashley Hickman's daughter. I'm so proud of who they are, pastors or not. Being a preacher's kid is pretty dang cool, if I do say so myself. I would not trade the late nights, the happy and sad days, the good, the bad, all of the church potluck meals, and the endless traveling for anything. Thank you, mom and dad. Your ministry has changed me for the better. 

lesson learned

     Twenty eighteen was a year of extreme growth. It taught me so many important things. It was definitely not all easy. Some things I learned the really hard way. Like months on months of being taught the same lesson. Things that I've been learning for years "came to pass",  so to speak. It's just been a big year. Now I realize, you may not care what I learned, but if you do care to read, maybe you could learn something new too!

2018 taught me...

it's okay not to be okay

     There is nothing wrong with not being okay. You are allowed to feel everything that you feel. Now, don't unpack there and stay forever. Work through it. But it sometimes feels like there's a tremendous amount of pressure on us to fix everything that's wrong as quickly as possible. Don't do it, friend. Learn from what you are dealing with. Don't exhaust yourself into "fixing" things and learn later you never truly worked through it. We are imperfect human beings. So cry. Punch a pillow. Call your mom or sister or best friend and talk everything out. Trying to block out what you're feeling makes everything worse in the long run. Admit to yourself, and even to the people around you, that you are not okay. I P R O M I S E, faking being okay hurts you way more than whatever caused the initial pain, hurt, anxiety, or whatever else. Feel all the feelings. It's never a bad thing.

you are a good friend

     This one is a little more simple. And definitely a personal thing that you may not understand. But I really struggle with feeling like I'm a good friend. I love my friends dearly. I just can't always keep track of everyone. It makes me feel like a bad friend. I try really really hard to give the best advice, go the extra mile, and do everything I possibly can for the important people in my life. Sometimes, it isn't well received. That makes me feel really crappy as a friend. But I learned so much about friendship: how special it is, how rare a genuine friend is, and what it means to take care of those relationships. I didn't do everything right this year, but I definitely am on the right track to being a better friend. I'm also learning to not beat myself up as much. I'm not a bad friend. We all make mistakes. 

everything is temporary 

     Every moment, feeling, person, flower, season, trial, triumph, emotion, thought, sunset, etc. This can be an extremely scary but comforting thought. It's terrifying to think the people in your life are temporary, but it's true. People will come in and out of your life quicker than you would ever expect. The good days don't last an eternity either. But at the same time, it's a comfort knowing a really tough season or trial is temporary. It won't last forever. I learned so much about taking advantage of the hard moments and embracing all I was learning. I also learned that it is a blessing to live another day with the many things and people I have been given. I don't want to take them for granted because at any moment they could be gone. Nothing in this world lasts forever. Make the most of it all. Good, bad, and ugly.

you can't please everyone

     This one was a long time coming, and I have a feeling I will continue to learn, and re-learn this lesson. Not everyone will like how you dress and fix your hair. Not everyone will appreciate a kind gesture. Surely not everyone will like how you live your life. Your decisions won't please everyone. And your words and actions won't satisfy everyone. This is important all on it's own. For everyone. But the plot thickens.
There will be people in your life that swear to you they want your honest opinions on things. They don't. I promise. I don't care how long you've known each other. I don't care how close you are. If your honest & kind opinion doesn't align with what they hope to hear, they won't like it. You can offer your opinion with the nicest, most genuine words you can possibly think of. It's rare they will say thank you and move on. They will most likely question why in the world you would disagree with them (even though they asked for it). Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that they weren't spiritually ready to receive the truth you were trying to give them. They have to get there in their own time. So don't tell them how you think it should be. Just don't go there. Still be a genuine person. Don't lie to these people who claim they want your honesty, but don't tell them a truth they don't want to hear or aren't ready to hear. Unfortunately, your honesty can result in that person severing ties. It sucks. Big time. Just remember, this does not in any way make you a bad person or friend. Key phrase: You can't please everyone. Be yourself to the fullest. BUT. Save yourself the heartache and the drama and keep your thoughts to yourself (this is a reminder for me, mostly) unless you know that you know God directed you to say something.

how to take care of myself

     If you have read any of my other posts, I don't always take care of myself and my thoughts the right way. I always put others first. It's really hard for me to say no. I don't like change, and I overthink too many things. Way too often. Combine all of this in a pot, and over several years, it resulted in a lot of personal struggle. 

I am a very anxious person.

**Disclaimer: this is really personal, and this will be very new information to a lot of people close to me.  I have not been diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor. I have shown many anxiety-like symptoms most of my life. This is not intended to offend anyone with severe anxiety.**

     My anxiousness started as a really young child, and it got worse as I aged. It transformed in many ways. Fast forward to college and here we are. Getting worse. I learned how to live with it, but I never learned how to manage it. It got really bad, and this last year was no different. At the beginning of this year, I was having panic attacks weekly. Why, you ask? Short version, I just let myself get in my head. Anxious thoughts and overthinking certain situations took over. I had never learned how to manage those anxious feelings and emotions, thus resulting in panic attacks. As the year went on and I wasn't getting better, I decided it was time to address these panic attacks and the constant anxious thoughts. I learned how to recognize when I was spiraling out of control. I learned how to talk myself down before I made things worse. I learned that it is okay to ask for help, and to ask someone I trust to call me and talk me down before things get worse. Is it still a learning process? 100%. I didn't "cure" my anxiety. But I am working on it. Daily. Sometimes moment by moment. I'm taking better care of my mind and ultimately myself. I'm learning to not feel bad for not going out. Big crowds and leaving the house creates anxiety for me some days, as crazy as that may sound. I don't apologize for saying no as much. At the end of the day, I'm being a better me. I'm recognizing parts of me I didn't want to admit were there, and I'm learning how to manage those things in a healthier way. Taking care of yourself doesn't always look like staying in to take a bubble bath and do your nails. Sometimes it's staying in bed and focusing on breathing like a normal human being. Sometimes it's writing out all of the crazy thoughts that you can't explain audibly. And people who are REAL friends will understand when you have to say no. Take care of yourself first. 

joy

     My favorite lesson of the year. The lesson I learned above goes hand in hand with this one. I was spiraling out of control, and therefore focusing on negative things. I forgot what being joyful truly meant. I still had days where I felt happy. I had many great moments with the special people in my life that were joyful. But I wasn't a joyful person anymore. About halfway through the year, I decided it was time to get over myself and knock down every ounce of negativity I had let into my life. I embraced joy. A gladness not based on circumstance. I was tired of letting my circumstances dictate the life I was living. I'm on a journey of joy. It's a daily decision to wake up and be joyful. I don't always succeed. But I am genuinely trying, and my year has taken a more positive turn because of that. The first several months of this year straight up sucked. That didn't stop where I was going. I didn't moan and groan and just let the negative take over. I changed my attitude and prayed through. And here I am. With a more joyful heart. Embracing joy daily isn't always easy. I'm still learning, but I made a pretty great start, and I don't plan on stopping.

I could probably go on much more about each of these things and other lessons I learned, but these were extremely important to my growth. I'm so not a perfect person. I have so much to learn, but I love looking back and seeing what I came from in just one year. I encourage you to do some soul searching and mind digging and discover all you learned this year. I can guarantee it will be more than you think. 

Finish the year with a bang, friends. Don't stop learning. Be the best you.

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me."

                   2 Timothy 4:17

"You're Too Happy!"

Story time!

 A few days ago, I walked into school, on a day I didn't have class, to meet with a partner for a project. I wasn't thrilled that I had to drive downtown, but hey. Can't help school responsibilities. I walked in and saw a gentleman who clearly wasn't an ACM student or faculty member. I smiled politely since we had to wait for the elevator together. 

  He said to me, "You're too happy!" 

  I was so shocked to hear that! I giggled a little and responded, "Too happy??"

  He answered, "Yeah! You're too smiley to be at school and what not!"

  I smiled back, "If you say so!" 

  We got off the elevator and wished the other a great day. I went my own way to (probably) never 

  see that man again. 

As simple and silly as this conversation was, it put a bigger smile on my face. Little did this stranger know, I was stressed out of my mind. I had so many projects and school assignments floating in my brain. Midterms are around the corner. So much to study. I miss my family and my friends. Other relationships were in a rocky place. I felt truly overwhelmed. So why does this matter?? Despite ALL of the chaos in my brain, I appeared to be "too happy" to a complete stranger. He had no idea what was going on in my life. Even when I felt that I was at a breaking point, I still managed to radiate some positivity. That has been one of my goals since my childhood. I always strive to show the love of Jesus in every possible way. I want people to see me, even if they don't know my name, as the girl who is joyful. The girl who smiles no matter what and is nice to everyone around her.

Simple smiles to strangers. Holding the door open for someone. Offering to share my umbrella with a fellow student crossing the crosswalk. It's the little things that can make the biggest difference in someone's life. 

If I am being 100% honest with you and myself, the last 4 years of my life haven't been all rainbows and unicorns. Yes, I have had many wonderful moments with the important people in my life. I've been given amazing opportunities and have seen growth. But growth isn't always easy. I've been dealing with a lot of different things, just like everyone else does. Broken friendships, intense personal life change, death in the family, learning daily what it means to walk with Jesus. I had many months where I felt unhappy with how things were going. Upset with myself or situations. I let them overtake me, unfortunately. I was just going through it the best I could. I somehow learned to be happy despite my sadness. I guess that's not an awful thing, but I didn't need to carry that weight. Over the last several months, I have been praying myself out of that. I gave myself a reality check. I was relying on myself too much. I played into my emotions and feelings instead of the promises God has for me. I was tired of it. I (wanted) needed some joy. Happiness is purely a fleeting feeling. It's attached to a moment, an emotion, even a person. Happiness is what is happening. But JOY is a gladness that is not based on your circumstance. Joy cannot be taken from you no matter the circumstance. 

At the end of the day, I couldn't get this run in with that stranger out of my head. It made me realize, that something I had been praying over for months was truly radiating from me. I've been praying for joy. Daily. True, God-given joy.  A joy that no person or situation could ever take from me. The joy of the Lord has become my strength. And that joy is apparent in how I carry myself and interact with the people around me. I felt blessed to have talked to that man and to have put a smile on his face. But the smile he was seeing was Jesus shining through me. 

I had my share of unknowns for awhile. I had moments where I wondered if anything I was doing was even right or working. But my God kept me. He will continue to keep me. And He will keep you too. No matter the circumstance. No matter the uncertainties. He has you. With joy, you can make it through anything. In the midst of trials, rain or shine, cold winter seasons, and abundant seasons, you will survive, friend. Find joy in the day to day activities. Don't rely on big events or trips or concerts or a friend to bring you joy. Look for it everywhere. Radiate love! Be happy in your own skin! 

Buy yourself some flowers, and smile. 

Be. Joyful. 

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the fay when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6-7

Purpose

"Pick me. Choose me. Love me." -Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

The society we live in today feeds off of acceptance. We live in a world where we are willing to pay whatever price to be chosen and loved. As a whole, we have become willing to compromise who we are to fit in with the crowds we deem "cool". We give up our individuality for the cute girl or guy who wouldn't like us for who we are; or so we think. Why do we never seem to measure up to the standards placed on us by the world? Why do we struggle to fit in and make friends? I'm just as guilty as the next, but we get stuck in a rut of comparison. We want to be like the girls who look perfect on Instagram. We want to be as carefree and funny as the Twitter famous individuals. We want to fit in, whatever that means.

Wake up call: YOU WON'T EVER MEASURE UP TO THE WORLD'S STANDARDS. You are who you are for a reason. God created you to be YOU. We were called to stand out from the rest of the world. If you keep comparing yourself to others, and distracting yourself with measuring up to what your friends, family, fans, & followers want you to be, you will never be enough. God can't use you for what He wants when you don't let him. Being someone else isn't why you're here. God created you for a very specific purpose. I can't tell you what that is. But I can tell you that God made you the way you are. You are so beyond perfect in His eyes. He wants to use you for great things. So search for purpose! Keep your eyes on him and not on comparing yourself to the people around you. No one else could ever be you. That is your power. Embrace every flaw, every quirk, every like and dislike, and every tiny detail about you.

Claim today, "I will stop comparing myself!"
You are good enough.
You are chosen by the Most High.
You are loved, friend.

Peace in the Unknown

If you know me at all, you know that the unknown is a very hard concept for me. I don't like not knowing what to wear, who is going to be there, how do I get there, and what's to come in the future. (ask my mom, it was even worse in my childhood) I plan anything and everything I can, and I'm not exactly known for spontaneity. So as you could guess, trusting God and all He has in store doesn't always come easy for me.

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' Isaiah 41:10

I just moved away from home, and I'm going to a brand new school tomorrow. Even though I know I get to study what I love and start chasing my dreams, I'm sitting here worried about what tomorrow will hold. BUT. Despite my fears, my worries, and my anxious heart, I know The Lord is guiding my hesitant foot steps and preparing the way for me. So, as I sit here in the quietness of my new room, I can't help but feel the comfort and peace only my sweet, and gracious Jesus can bring.

For those of you, like me, who struggle finding peace in the midst of change and the unknown, I pray you continue to seek The Lord and the perfect peace only HE can bring you.

Have a wonderful week, friend.
Peri