lesson learned

     Twenty eighteen was a year of extreme growth. It taught me so many important things. It was definitely not all easy. Some things I learned the really hard way. Like months on months of being taught the same lesson. Things that I've been learning for years "came to pass",  so to speak. It's just been a big year. Now I realize, you may not care what I learned, but if you do care to read, maybe you could learn something new too!

2018 taught me...

it's okay not to be okay

     There is nothing wrong with not being okay. You are allowed to feel everything that you feel. Now, don't unpack there and stay forever. Work through it. But it sometimes feels like there's a tremendous amount of pressure on us to fix everything that's wrong as quickly as possible. Don't do it, friend. Learn from what you are dealing with. Don't exhaust yourself into "fixing" things and learn later you never truly worked through it. We are imperfect human beings. So cry. Punch a pillow. Call your mom or sister or best friend and talk everything out. Trying to block out what you're feeling makes everything worse in the long run. Admit to yourself, and even to the people around you, that you are not okay. I P R O M I S E, faking being okay hurts you way more than whatever caused the initial pain, hurt, anxiety, or whatever else. Feel all the feelings. It's never a bad thing.

you are a good friend

     This one is a little more simple. And definitely a personal thing that you may not understand. But I really struggle with feeling like I'm a good friend. I love my friends dearly. I just can't always keep track of everyone. It makes me feel like a bad friend. I try really really hard to give the best advice, go the extra mile, and do everything I possibly can for the important people in my life. Sometimes, it isn't well received. That makes me feel really crappy as a friend. But I learned so much about friendship: how special it is, how rare a genuine friend is, and what it means to take care of those relationships. I didn't do everything right this year, but I definitely am on the right track to being a better friend. I'm also learning to not beat myself up as much. I'm not a bad friend. We all make mistakes. 

everything is temporary 

     Every moment, feeling, person, flower, season, trial, triumph, emotion, thought, sunset, etc. This can be an extremely scary but comforting thought. It's terrifying to think the people in your life are temporary, but it's true. People will come in and out of your life quicker than you would ever expect. The good days don't last an eternity either. But at the same time, it's a comfort knowing a really tough season or trial is temporary. It won't last forever. I learned so much about taking advantage of the hard moments and embracing all I was learning. I also learned that it is a blessing to live another day with the many things and people I have been given. I don't want to take them for granted because at any moment they could be gone. Nothing in this world lasts forever. Make the most of it all. Good, bad, and ugly.

you can't please everyone

     This one was a long time coming, and I have a feeling I will continue to learn, and re-learn this lesson. Not everyone will like how you dress and fix your hair. Not everyone will appreciate a kind gesture. Surely not everyone will like how you live your life. Your decisions won't please everyone. And your words and actions won't satisfy everyone. This is important all on it's own. For everyone. But the plot thickens.
There will be people in your life that swear to you they want your honest opinions on things. They don't. I promise. I don't care how long you've known each other. I don't care how close you are. If your honest & kind opinion doesn't align with what they hope to hear, they won't like it. You can offer your opinion with the nicest, most genuine words you can possibly think of. It's rare they will say thank you and move on. They will most likely question why in the world you would disagree with them (even though they asked for it). Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that they weren't spiritually ready to receive the truth you were trying to give them. They have to get there in their own time. So don't tell them how you think it should be. Just don't go there. Still be a genuine person. Don't lie to these people who claim they want your honesty, but don't tell them a truth they don't want to hear or aren't ready to hear. Unfortunately, your honesty can result in that person severing ties. It sucks. Big time. Just remember, this does not in any way make you a bad person or friend. Key phrase: You can't please everyone. Be yourself to the fullest. BUT. Save yourself the heartache and the drama and keep your thoughts to yourself (this is a reminder for me, mostly) unless you know that you know God directed you to say something.

how to take care of myself

     If you have read any of my other posts, I don't always take care of myself and my thoughts the right way. I always put others first. It's really hard for me to say no. I don't like change, and I overthink too many things. Way too often. Combine all of this in a pot, and over several years, it resulted in a lot of personal struggle. 

I am a very anxious person.

**Disclaimer: this is really personal, and this will be very new information to a lot of people close to me.  I have not been diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor. I have shown many anxiety-like symptoms most of my life. This is not intended to offend anyone with severe anxiety.**

     My anxiousness started as a really young child, and it got worse as I aged. It transformed in many ways. Fast forward to college and here we are. Getting worse. I learned how to live with it, but I never learned how to manage it. It got really bad, and this last year was no different. At the beginning of this year, I was having panic attacks weekly. Why, you ask? Short version, I just let myself get in my head. Anxious thoughts and overthinking certain situations took over. I had never learned how to manage those anxious feelings and emotions, thus resulting in panic attacks. As the year went on and I wasn't getting better, I decided it was time to address these panic attacks and the constant anxious thoughts. I learned how to recognize when I was spiraling out of control. I learned how to talk myself down before I made things worse. I learned that it is okay to ask for help, and to ask someone I trust to call me and talk me down before things get worse. Is it still a learning process? 100%. I didn't "cure" my anxiety. But I am working on it. Daily. Sometimes moment by moment. I'm taking better care of my mind and ultimately myself. I'm learning to not feel bad for not going out. Big crowds and leaving the house creates anxiety for me some days, as crazy as that may sound. I don't apologize for saying no as much. At the end of the day, I'm being a better me. I'm recognizing parts of me I didn't want to admit were there, and I'm learning how to manage those things in a healthier way. Taking care of yourself doesn't always look like staying in to take a bubble bath and do your nails. Sometimes it's staying in bed and focusing on breathing like a normal human being. Sometimes it's writing out all of the crazy thoughts that you can't explain audibly. And people who are REAL friends will understand when you have to say no. Take care of yourself first. 

joy

     My favorite lesson of the year. The lesson I learned above goes hand in hand with this one. I was spiraling out of control, and therefore focusing on negative things. I forgot what being joyful truly meant. I still had days where I felt happy. I had many great moments with the special people in my life that were joyful. But I wasn't a joyful person anymore. About halfway through the year, I decided it was time to get over myself and knock down every ounce of negativity I had let into my life. I embraced joy. A gladness not based on circumstance. I was tired of letting my circumstances dictate the life I was living. I'm on a journey of joy. It's a daily decision to wake up and be joyful. I don't always succeed. But I am genuinely trying, and my year has taken a more positive turn because of that. The first several months of this year straight up sucked. That didn't stop where I was going. I didn't moan and groan and just let the negative take over. I changed my attitude and prayed through. And here I am. With a more joyful heart. Embracing joy daily isn't always easy. I'm still learning, but I made a pretty great start, and I don't plan on stopping.

I could probably go on much more about each of these things and other lessons I learned, but these were extremely important to my growth. I'm so not a perfect person. I have so much to learn, but I love looking back and seeing what I came from in just one year. I encourage you to do some soul searching and mind digging and discover all you learned this year. I can guarantee it will be more than you think. 

Finish the year with a bang, friends. Don't stop learning. Be the best you.

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me."

                   2 Timothy 4:17