A Family Forever Changed

 Ten years ago, this very weekend, my life changed. My family changed. And it has never been the same since. If you've known me or my family for a few years, I'm sure you know at least a little about this story. If you don't, I just want to be an encouragement. I don't say any of this to bring up old baggage or shame. I simply want to share how incredible our God is. Buckle up, friend! This is a big one.

I was a 14 year old freshman in high school. We had only lived in this town for a little over a year. Things were still so new and fresh and awkward. It's the Friday of Labor Day weekend. Every student dreams of three day weekends, so of course I was pumped. I'm walking out of the school and not one, but both of my parents were in the car to pick me up. This was red flag number one. Except at the time it felt more yellow haha. I was confused, but whatever! Once Peyton and I were both home, we were our usual silly, giggly selves. All it took was one little look at my parents and I knew something was terribly wrong. I thought somebody died. I was waiting for the bomb to drop. And that bomb?? Was something that I never ever in a million years would have guessed that I would be told. 

My mom asked us to listen to her and to get serious. She simply explained that my dad, a pastor, my ultimate hero, had been unfaithful to her. He had multiple affairs over the years. Well how on earth are a 14 year old and 10 year old supposed to process this? We both broke down in tears. The rush of emotions I felt was absolutely unexplainable. My chest felt heavy and I couldn't breathe. Those emotions ran so high so fast that in a matter of minutes I just felt numb. Like literally nothing. We were told to go pack a bag because we were going to stay with my grandparents for the long weekend. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stepped up. I had to help my heartbroken little sister figure out what she would need for the weekend. The weekend that ended up being terribly slow. Endless tears and whispers behind closed doors. Texts flooding my phone on Sunday after the church, my friends, found out what had happened. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was our family going to fall apart? Were we going to move again? What's next?! 

What came next were years of restoration. Years of work and transformation. My family didn't fully fall apart. We all had our own emotions to deal with. We all had our own personal journeys to travel. Mine turned into pretending everything was okay so I could be the backbone for my sister and mom. I realize now that I was not the backbone I thought I was being. I was breaking myself more. I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't always eat enough. I didn't feel. I just... was there. When I did feel, I felt anxious. I felt bitterness. I felt like I didn't want to be around my dad. I didn't understand why on earth my mother would stay with him. Why did someone who lied for so long deserve a second chance? 

Through many ups & downs, conversations that I didn't want to have, and some serious talking to Jesus, I made the decision to forgive; but not just forgive my dad for what he did. I forgave him for the years I lost with him, for the lies and the years of deception. I also forgave myself for holding onto bitterness and anger for far too long. It wasn't easy, but it was more than worth it.

My mother is the ultimate picture of grace. I am forever grateful she listened to the Lord and made the hard choice to fight for her marriage. I know she didn't always want to, but because of her, we are still a family. Not a broken family, but a family who laughs together, cries together, takes vacations together, rejoices together, and worships together. 

Holding onto bitterness, anger, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, and unforgiveness will not make you stronger. It doesn't make you cooler or a better person. It doesn't hurt other people. Only you. It will eat you alive. You will shrink down into a person you don't even recognize anymore. It's not worth it. Give it up, friend. Tell Jesus how you're feeling. He already knows and He wants to take that from you. He wants to carry it for you. 

Difficult situations are never easy to navigate. The lessons you learn along the way make it worth it. The story you get to tell at the end is worth it. I don't know what you are walking through today, my friend. But I am here to tell you that you will make it through. Maybe it looks impossible. Maybe you're hurting. You might want to give up, but God is refining you. He is making you stronger. He wants you to lean on Him and draw closer to Him. I didn't think I would ever make it out of the darkness of this situation. Here I am, ten years later, closer to my dad than I ever was before. Part of a family that is incredibly close. I'm a better me because I learned what true forgiveness is. 

And guess what?! My dad is pastoring again. Has been for several years. He has seen true redemption through his story. My parents get to speak at marriage conferences and at churches. They help guide couples who are going through similar situations. I am so very proud of them. God turned a total mess into a miracle. 

Confessions of a Preacher's Kid

     Hey, friend! My name is Peri and I'm a preacher's kid. I have been all my life. Now, maybe you're thinking, "this is irrelevant to me! I'm not a preacher's kid," but this is for all of the PK's, MK's, pastors, church goers, and Jesus followers alike.
     I grew up in the church. Literally, it felt like I was always there. My grandparents are pastors too! So when I was little, I was at their church all the time. I have such fond memories there. And our family still holds dear friendships with those people. My dad has been a music pastor at several churches. But he's worn so many more hats than just "the guy who leads worship". He's actually been in ministry for over 30 years! Crazy, I know. 

    Being in ministry with your parents is not easy. Like, at all. You see so many different sides of ministry that most people don't. The good, the bad, the miraculous, and the ugly. I've had to move a couple times, and that sure is not easy. Leaving your friends and family because your parents said, "God is calling us here," as a kid, didn't always make sense. However, my parents instilled in me from a very young age that God will take care of us. They always said that following God's call on their lives was such a big blessing. It may seem like a risk to drop everything because God said so, but it always worked out for the absolute best. I truly believe our family is better because we have followed God's call and His will for our lives.

    With that being said, I've seen how several different churches and their staff operate. I've watched different leaders and pastors lead their church gracefully, and I've also been incredibly disappointed in how some "leaders" handled certain situations. No one is perfect. Pastors are definitely not the exception. It's so easy to put pastors on a pedestal and to hold them to such a high standard that we don't think they can fail. There's definitely a balance to being a leader and leading by example, but we have to understand that pastors are imperfect humans too. That's a totally different topic altogether! Bottom line, even though they are human, leaders have to hold their standards high, operate with extreme integrity, and lead by example. 

    I'm proud to say my parents have done just that. They have been incredible leaders, people of character, amazing examples, and never seem to fall back on that. They have been mistreated (just like the rest of us), and have never used that as an excuse to lash out or to mistreat those who turned against them. They don't try to get revenge or make sure people know their side of the story. They hold their heads high and keep trekking along on the path that God has set before them. No matter the situation, they come out stronger with a pretty great story to tell. They lead by example, admit their faults, always strive to do better, they serve the people around them, all while being great parents. 

    I also have seen how different churches behave, and let me tell you. It isn't always pretty. I've always found that so sad and disheartening. The church, Christ followers, Christians, are called to be different. We are set apart! Yet sometimes, church people get wrapped up in drama, become petty, act ugly, and can be unforgiving people! That goes for leaders and church members alike! Yes, I know, we're human and make mistakes. But when church people start acting crazy like that? I have never understood that.

    As the preacher's kid, I've been made fun of, called "goody two-shoes" on a regular basis, been left out of all the "normal" activities, and that was never easy growing up. I've become an adult who is more than okay with being left out because of my standards and morals. Sure, would it hurt to be invited to more things? No, not at all! But I also know that God has called me higher and I'm more than okay walking alone sometimes. I'm proud of who my parents have raised me to be, and being the goody two-shoes is pretty great to me. :)

    Now, a lot of that probably sounded pretty negative, so it's time to flip the switch. Being a preacher's kid comes with a lot of joys. It's so easy to be proud of your parents when they are truly walking in the will of God. I get to watch them do what God has called them to do, and I get to see the impact they have on people around them every single day. They inspire so many people, and that's not just in the church. They get to share their story and testimony and encourage others in their journeys. I've watched them grow their ministry into something new and exciting over the years, and I know it's only going to keep growing.

    I've been blessed with so many opportunities because of my parent's ministry. I've been able to travel with them to all sorts of cool places. I've met countless people, and some of those people have become life long friends and our second family. I was pretty spoiled as a kid because I got to run around campgrounds and churches. I thought I owned the place alllll because my dad was Jeff Hickman lol. I have had the pleasure of singing alongside my parents on many occasions. I absolutely love leading worship with them. If you know my dad, you know that he is truly one of the greatest musicians of all time (and no, I'm not biased). Getting to stand up next to them and worship with them is something I will cherish forever. 

    To my fellow preacher's kids: I see you. I know it's not always easy, but I'm proud of you. Your parents are proud of you. Jesus is proud of you! I know you didn't choose to be in ministry, and if you're like me, you were born into it. You don't know anything different! Keep finding the joys in ministry. Don't let the hard things weigh you down for too long. You've got this. Don't give up, friend. :)

    At the end of the day, all of the cool things, people, and opportunities don't even compare to the absolute joy it has been to be Jeff and Ashley Hickman's daughter. I'm so proud of who they are, pastors or not. Being a preacher's kid is pretty dang cool, if I do say so myself. I would not trade the late nights, the happy and sad days, the good, the bad, all of the church potluck meals, and the endless traveling for anything. Thank you, mom and dad. Your ministry has changed me for the better. 

A New Decade

     The last ten years (what?!) have been some of the most difficult years of my life! I know what you're thinking, "Peri, you're only 22, what could make those ten years so insane?" Well, friends! That's what I'm here to tell ya! I have walked through things that someone my age should never have to walk through at the ages I did. But I've also experienced some totally incredible things too. The last ten years have held the highest highs, and some of the lowest lows. I have learned so much from these experiences.

2010: The year my family moved to Oklahoma. That was SO tough at 13. I had just started finding my place, I actually liked school, I had some great friends. The last thing I wanted to do was move to a town I had never even heard of in a different state!

2011: A year that brought news that I never in a million years thought I would ever hear. My family was broken. And that's a totally different story to tell.

2012: My appendix ruptured. Yeah, yeah whatever, Peri! That happens to so many people. You're fine, right? But what you probably don't know, I truly should have died. Most people die within 3 days of their appendix rupturing. Doctors didn't know mine had ruptured until 9 days after, and I had developed an abscess the size of a softball that prevented my appendix from being removed for another 5 days. I was in and out of the hospital. Multiple drains to remove multiple abscesses. A month's worth of school work to catch up on. Etc, etc.

2013-2014: This was one the hardest years I had academically. I guess that’s not a big deal to you, but we’ve all been there. I spent many nights in tears trying to understand and finish hours upon hours of homework. In my math class specifically, I really struggled. I was still playing catch up from the year before. 

2015: This was actually a pretty great year in the beginning. I had some great new friends. I was thriving in choir and in theater. I truly was enjoying life for what felt like the first time in a long time. But after I graduated high school, the following fall I hit a brick wall. College wasn’t hard academically, but I wasn’t doing what I liked. My friends were either still in high school, or went to a college somewhere else. I felt so alone and lost and confused for the remainder of the year and even through 2016. 

2017: In the fall, I transferred to the Academy of Contemporary Music. I did like school, but I still didn’t have friends. I didn't feel like I had a place. And my living situation was not ideal in the slightest. I didn’t feel safe there. It was gross and management was awful. I was feeling very alone and out of place.

2018 started the same as the fall before, but then I moved into a new apartment the next fall with a friend and things felt great. I had made a couple friends at school and I was enjoying myself!

And then 2019 said NOPE. If you have already read or choose to go read my previous post, you’ll learn how horribly the year started and the battles I fought most of the year. This year had some huge ups and downs, and I'm grateful it's behind me.

I know I spouted off a lot of negatives. It’s not any fun to focus on the negatives and I’m sure you don’t care about all of that. The point I want to make is, this decade, on the surface, was more than difficult. But in the midst of all the struggle and heartache, there was so much good. 

I had so many amazing friendships. Some of those have grown apart, but some have remained. There are new ones too. 

My family overcame a LOT, but we’re stronger and closer than ever. 

I started dating a really amazing guy, and we celebrate five years together today. He's my best friend. 

I was given so many wonderful opportunities. 

I participated in so many choir events and was able to travel to some really awesome places. 

I was in a wonderful youth group and had the opportunity to be a worship leader and minister to many young girls. I was able to lead worship at youth camps and travel many cool places. 

But ultimately, God was faithful. In all the ups and downs, He never left me. This decade held good, bad, ugly, great, happy, sad, joy, tears, and everything in between. I'm sure this next decade will hold plenty of highs and lows as well. That's just part of life! However, no matter what life may hold in the days to come, I know God is going to take care of me. He won't let hard situations go to waste. 

I hope you can look back on the years behind you with a smile. Don't hold onto the bad. Be thankful for the lessons learned and the great things you may have experienced. And I hope you can look forward to the next year and the decade before us. If you're anything like me, looking that far forward can seem a little stressful and overwhelming. So let's work together to just be in the moment. Let's enjoy the little moments of every day before us and take it all one step at a time. The Lord has taken care of me thus far, and I believe He will continue to carry me through everything I will face in the days to come. I promise He will take care of you too. 

Happy New Year, friends! Make this year the best one yet. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11