I have been thrown into the middle of situations I never asked for nor wanted to be a part of.
I have had to make some insanely hard decisions with no time to really pray about them and consider my options.
There were days that all I could do was pray through each moment because I had no idea what I would be walking into the next minute.
I am still walking through it, crazy enough. Are you ready for the story? If I'm being honest, I'm struggling with the thought of writing it all out. Should I really be doing this? Is it wrong of me to tell my story? I might offend some people... but I think I have to do it. If only you could see the amount of drafts I have attached to this account. I can't seem to finish them. I just feel like this has to be told before I can do anything else. It's like it's blocking the creativity and the words I want to say. So I have to say it. I need to get it out. Buckle up, friends.
An individual in my close circle decided to make some choices that changed the entire course of how I went about my life for an entire semester. This person didn't mean to hurt me, or at least I don't think, but unfortunately, I got really hurt. (Life Tip: Consider the people in your life that can be affected by each of your decisions before you make them. Maybe even clue them into those decisions? It might save your relationships, or your own way of life.) My life flipped upside down because this individual told too many lies, and made one too many wrong turns. These decisions actually had nothing to do with me personally, but unfortunately they changed everything. I had to get out, before I even knew what was actually happening. There's not a shadow of a doubt in my mind; this was the Lord intervening on my behalf. I have never felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit so strongly PULL at my heart until one very specific moment. It was a nudge that made me physically ill.
He said, "Get Out!!!"
"Get out of what, God? What are you talking about?!"
I was scared. I was waiting for some bomb to drop, but what on earth could it be?
I would know exactly what He was talking about four days later. And boy, did I find out. I learned things I never wanted to know. I have only felt that much disappointment in my life one other time. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, but no matter how hard I tried, it just didn't work out this time. The truth before me was too real. I couldn't defend this person any longer. I couldn't stay involved in this situation. And despite how hard it was in that moment, I am forever grateful that the Lord fought for me.
I have been harassed over this situation, and I still am to this day. Accusations have been flying behind my back. I have been talked about in extremely negative ways, lied to, told I was a horrible person. And for what? I was put in an impossible situation with no rule book. All I could do was listen to the Holy Spirit, and that's exactly what I did. I lost friends, I lost trust, and I even (for a moment) began to think that I was the bad guy.
"How did I miss the signs?"
"Why did I have to be a part of this situation?"
"Someone else definitely could've been better appointed for this than me."
"Why did this happen this way?"
"Why did I have to be the one to bring things to light?"
"Why did my relationships have to be affected forever?"
If only I could explain the torture this has placed on my mind. The negative self talk, the never ending questions, the confusion, the hurt. So many nights I spent crying myself to sleep. All I wanted to do was move forward, but this whole thing KEPT coming back. People asked questions. People wouldn't leave me alone. That alone was confusing, but wasn't my fault. These weren't my decisions that changed things. Someone else's choices did this to me. Unfortunately, that's life. This was one giant wound that kept reopening, kept being picked and pulled at, never healing properly, and now it kinda feels like it's going to leave a permanent scar.
The longer I pray over these questions, my heartache, and for healing, I am reminded of how intentional God is. I may never get the answers to every question I have, and trust me, I have hundreds. What I do know is He chose me for a reason. Even though this person is no longer in my life, maybe it had to be me that was involved. Maybe it's going to change the course of the situation in the future. Maybe the role I played was more important than I think. Maybe my faith kept me grounded, and protected another from being drawn into a world of sin and deception. Maybe, my hurt and my healing was crucial for my own growth. I am still learning from this situation. Even though it happened in January, it still hurts sometimes. But I gained a new ability to claim my own victory in Jesus.
I lived in the Lion's Den, and made it out like Daniel. I felt like I was swallowed by a whale, but guess who made it out alive like Jonah. The Devil tried to use this situation for his own schemes. I let his lies get in my head some days. I let what people had to say about me make me question myself. But do you know what I learned to do?? I learned to tell Satan to back up the truck!! I learned to stand my ground, despite my natural tendency to shy away from the fight. I told him that he had no control over my mind and emotions. I made sure he knew that this battle was mine to win and he had no authority in my life. When people thought they had a right to speak on this situation, and talk down to me, I let them. But I continued on with a smile on my face. I refused to back down. I refused to question what God told me and the strength that He has given me to fight things head on. The Lord knew this would be a tough season, but He knew that with His help, I would make it through. It was not my strength alone, but His. My willingness to be used by Him, allowed Him to work through me in ways I never imagined.
Does this mean I'm glad I went through all of this?? Heck no, friend. I wish I never had anything to do with this. But I don't regret what the Lord has taught me through it, and the story of strength I have to tell. My God brought me through things no person should have to endure. But I couldn't have done it without His help. Remember when I said paragraphs ago, "Should I tell my story?"
I should. And I just did. And I will not stop speaking the truth. I will not stop shouting from the rooftops what tragedy God brought me through. I will not shrink and live in silence because people could get offended by the truth. I shouldn't have had to endure what I did, but I did. I got put in a situation I didn't ask for, and I'm going to tell the goodness that came from it. Why would God want me to hide from it? What if someone could learn from this? Or be encouraged by it? I truly believe that God wouldn't have put me in this situation to not come out better for it. And that's true for you too, friend. Whatever you're walking through, God will bring you out better than ever.
I was protected physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from evil.
I learned the spiritual strength that I DO have.
I know that God has my best intentions at heart.
He cares for my well-being.
He goes before me.
He stands behind me.
I am chosen, and not forsaken.
God used me for a specific purpose, even though there are times when I don't see it or understand why.
I'm believing that God has and will continue to honor my commitment to the truth and what is right. I'm choosing to walk in complete confidence and joy that I followed HIS guidance and voice, just as my father reminded me one day I needed it most.
As I wrap up this blog post, I'm choosing to wrap up the torture I've been putting myself through. I'm choosing to let this be the END. Will I still hear about this from other people? I wouldn't doubt it. Will I still have a passing thought here and there about what happened? I'm sure. Will I still get sad sometimes because of what I lost? Absolutely. But I'm choosing to let this rest as I press "publish".
Thank you for listening, friend.
"Doing right isn't always easy. Sometimes it's just downright difficult. But when we choose the 'narrow' way, God NEVER fails to reward our faithfulness." -Jeff Hickman
"The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence."
Psalms 18:20
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